In the groove.

Things are moving along here. It is getting real. I actually see words on paper. I'm writing. This is happening. And it won't stop until 8 December, when the paper is due. For some, the writing aspect of research is the most rewarding part. For me, I never want to stop researching. If I could just research for the entire semester, that would be all right with me. But I can't. I'm sure that in a week, or so, I'll feel rewarded by the execution of my research that is writing. For now, though, it hardly feels real! My topic is developing really well, and that is something that I sometimes forget that writing does for me. I've come to a conclusion about the relationship between the memories in Henson's narrative. However, I have yet to decide what that even means. But I don't need to do that just yet. Not yet.

Tonight I'm going to see the opera, Manon, with a colleague. This will be my first opera experience, and I'm pretty excited about going. In November, I'm planning to go the Margaret Garner opera performance, just to get a taste of that performance. And Toni Morrison writes the Libretto (I hope that's the right word--I don't know opera talk).

While my research is going really well, and the city is fantastic, for some reason I keep crying. Randomly. Just crying. I could just be sitting in my apartment and something completely meaningless can happen and I just start crying. And many of us have experienced this. It's part of being in an off-campus studies program.

We had a sleep-over in my room last night where we watched Now and Then, ate popcorn and snacks, and just had girl talk. It was all good fun. I'm finding that the people in this program are genuinely good people. I look for realness in people long before I can consider them friends. It's very important for me to see how a person treats others, before I determine to what extent they might fit into my life, and also to what extent I might fit in theirs. I didn't start doing this until my sophomore year, when I discovered that everyone that says they are for you aren't. And so I re-evaluated my friendships and minor associations. I didn't put people through tests to see who was the best, but I examined the relationships on my own. This is sort of how I determined who to spend my time with. It seemed to me that if someone was bringing me down I should let them go. For example, I *had* a friend at Kenyon that would criticize every, single thing that I did. It frustrated me to the point that I would sometimes cry. It occurred to me that my friendship with her was in no way, shape, or form making me a better person. A good friend of mine, Jamesy Flaherty wrote to me once that he was happy to be surrounded by people that make him want to love in a better way. Those are the types of relationships I stick with; I want to be better and do things in a better way. The Newberry program and the seminar dynamics are amazing. I'm writing all this to let you know that I'm happy here in terms of the friends I have made. I'm surrounded by a community of scholars that make me want to work and learn in a better way. That's fantastic.

A lot of my classmates here are sick, and I'm doing my best to stay healthy. I have to! Mostly because we have draft, after draft, after draft, after draft due. Ten pages this Friday, twenty the next Friday, thirty two Fridays later, and about a week later  FORTY!. Our full sixty pages is due on 8 December at midnight! This is all frightening and exciting at the same time! I'm beginning to recognize that I will, without a doubt, be able to write sixty pages on my topic. And it continues to get more and more fascinating to me!

I've discovered that it is not writing that I love, at first. It's the research that I love. I get a kick out of learning, learning, and learning. For some reason, it's always painful for me to start writing. But once I start I remember why application is so important. I love that my words are providing information, and giving even more substance to my research. Because what good is knowing, if you don't share your knowledge?! I know this is kind of backwards. Many people that I know rush through the research to get to the writing parts. I always have to *force* myself to stop reading and researching. But, at this point, I'm loving writing again. I'm realizing that I can write and research simultaneously! That's no small thing. Honestly. I used to think of writing and research as either/or, meaning that you do them one at a time. But I like that I now think of it as a both/and deal. How could I have not realized that before?! I probably sound so silly right now, but extensive research makes one that way. I love it. :)